Editor's note: This was originally sent out in the newsletter on 11/16/18
Last Friday my mom died. We had a complicated relationship, to say the least. She had a heart attack four days earlier and was in the hospital during that time, but they couldn’t bring her back. It is still sort of a weird thing and dealing with the logistics of a death in the family is never fun. Dealing with this is all has hampered my writing a little, but I have had a lot on my mind. My initial thought was I would write something on dealing with death in general, taking in the time you have, and the stoic outlook of it all. I never sat down to write that, maybe I still will later, but for now, I decided just to get some general thoughts out.
How do you share the news of death? The social constructs we have built don’t deal with this super well. You start with those closest to you; this part is pretty straightforward, your wife, your kids, your significant other, close family, and best friends. They are all mostly involved in every move as it happens or right there beside you, this pretty much takes care of itself. Next, you move down to your close friends, this one is still relatively easy, but how do you work it into your conversation? Do you just jump in from the outset with a; hey, just wanted to let you know my mom died? —Side note: the terminology here is weird to me too, do you use died or passed away? Passed away feels so formal and strange to say, but died seems harsh sometimes, I don’t know. — Or do you build a narrative from the start and tell the whole story? Do you wait for it to come up? This one mostly varies by the person, but it is a little odd.
Next, you have the mid-level relationships, semi-close friends, immediate coworkers. This level is where things get tough, I think most people would consider me an introvert, and also a pretty private person, I don’t usually share a lot of personal information unless people specifically ask (minus the newsletter you are currently reading). These mid-level people will find out more slowly, but it will likely come up at some point. From here on down it slowly spreads by word of mouth. Living in a small community, working in a small town, word spreads fast. You start getting the random people telling you they are sorry, sending condolences, some of them are just giving you sad eyes as you pass them in the hallway. Inevitably someone will try and give you a hug.
I understand they are all well-intentioned and it is nice, but responding to it all is just as weird. Do you say thank you to someone who says they’re sorry? Do you say; it’s ok, like you would when they apologize? People will ask how you are doing in general; this question is impossible to answer, you say you are doing fine, but are you? You can say you are doing shitty, but that feels rude. It is just a weird question. Most of the time you are just still trying to process it all, and you don’t even know the answer yourself.
Death is just odd to handle; everyone is different; everyone processes it all different. Everyone you lose is a different relationship to you, some will hit you harder than you expect them to, some you will let go faster. People will treat you different for a while, you will hear from people you haven’t heard from in years. Death brings people together too, at least for a short time. It helps relieve old riffs, it makes you realize some things are just silly and petty.
We all want to hope that death is far away, that we won’t have to deal with it for a long time, but the truth is it can hit anyone at any time, you never know when it will happen. You might think you don’t need to worry about having a plan for what happens because you have time, but you don’t know that that is true. Some people aren’t affected by death as often as others, some only have to see it when it is what we consider normal (like from old age). Sometimes it seems to hit more often. This amounts to what I would say is the fourth close family death in about the last five years. When I stop to think about it, that feels like a lot, but maybe it’s normal too.
Take a moment and enjoy what you have today, it won’t last forever, make the most of the time you have. Set your phone down and take things in.
Sorry if this one felt a little rambly, it also got a little darker than I intended at the end. It was meant to be more honest and off the cuff. This is what happens when you write late at night.
Thanks for reading,
Mike
P.S. See, Friday is normal